Ageists, step to the side - who says that an old banana can't be the sweetest thing you've ever put in your mouth? With a luxe combination of bananas, butter, brown sugar and booze, this recipe proves the naysayers wrong. Dead wrong.
Profiteroles with Tahitian Vanilla Bean Ice Cream
Can You Cream My Puff?
What marketing genius designated January 2 National Cream Puff Day? Does this person still believe in unicorns too? I mean, half the world hasn’t recovered from the holidays where you DO actually eat cream puffs (and unicorns) and the other half of the world doesn’t need a special day for cream puffs.
*mouth full of food* Wha? I wasn’t listening to you. I was too busy stuffing my face with these cream puffs. I’m sure they have crack in them, I can’t stop eating. You know, these things are so incredible, they should name a day after them. God, I want to just rub them all over my body, they’re so good! COME TO MAMA…I’m sorry. What were you rambling on about?
I’m going off on the insanity of cream puffs. Who needs a DAY for cream puffs? Is there a cream puff council? Was Hallmark behind this? I mean how did this start? I will divulge that I never met a creamy filled flaky pastry I didn’t like, especially if it was topped with an additional layer of debauchery like chocolate or powdered sugar. However, I have met plenty of creamy filled flakes that didn’t give cause for squeal or honey, or chocolate or powered sugar or even a fucking date for that matter. But for those delicious other men, powdered sugar and honey makes for a FANTASTIC date night. But I digress….
Speaking of insanity (or date night for that matter), I’m not usually one for bellicose gestures, but I fully authorize anyone in present company to load up a shotgun with these cream puffs and shoot me directly in the face.
Honey, stop. You don’t want to be shot in the face with a cream puff. You want to bury your face in a pile of them. You know – motorboat those babies.
Why don’t you join me and we’ll make it a threesome. Just don’t look me in the eye when I’m eating – this shit is personal.
Profiteroles with Tahitian Vanilla Bean Ice Cream
2 c. of heavy cream
2 c. of whole milk
1 c. of sugar
2 vanilla beans (Tahitian if you can find it, or Madagascar or Bourbon vanilla beans as a close second)
2 tsp. of good vanilla extract
1 pinch of kosher salt
12 egg yolks
1 c. of milk
1 stick of butter (preferably unsalted and high fat, like Normandy or Irish)
1 tsp. of sugar
1/8 tsp. of sea salt
1 c. of flour
ice cream maker
parchment paper or a silpat (silicone mat)
If you are a DIY Dirty Girl and plan to play Susie Fucking Homemaker with this one, begin by making your ice cream. If you’re a Quick and Dirty Girl, buy the best vanilla ice cream you can get your gorgeous hands on (see Quick and Dirty Girl note below recipe) and skip to the INSTRUCTIONS FOR PROFITEROLES.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR ICE CREAM
- In a heavy-bottomed saucepan (that just makes me think of the song “Fat Bottomed Girls”), add the milk, heavy cream, sugar, and kosher salt. Using a paring knife, carefully split the vanilla beans in half and scrape the black pasty goodness in the middle of the bean into the cream. Add the whole beans to the milk as well once they’ve been scraped. Bring that sexy mixture to a slow, long simmer, but be a tease, make sure not to let it boil. Once simmering, continue to cook for 2-3 minutes.
- Separate from the milk pot, set up a double boiler – you want a metal bowl for the top that fits over a pot on the bottom. Add enough water to the bottom so that it will easily boil without touching the bottom of the top pot. This double-boiler process may take some practice, but girl, we know you’ve perfected more challenging doubles.
- While the bottom pot of the double boiler is coming to a boil, work off the heat and take your top pot and separate 12 egg yolks into the bowl. Beat it like a bad memory or until pale golden and smooth and then slowly add a cup of the hot cream, whisking the entire time to keep the mixture smooth and prevent the egg from scrambling. Set the pot over the now boiling water and continuously whisk in the rest of the cream. Keep on whisking until the mixture thickens and the ice cream base can coat the back of a spoon.
- Turn off the heat. Strain the mixture into a large bowl to catch any loose bits of vanilla bean pod (or scrambled egg if you fucked up and cooked the custard at too high a temperature) and let the base cool in the fridge.
- Once cooled, pour the ice cream base into your ice cream maker and follow your manufacturer’s instructions. When finished, remove to an airtight container and freeze for a little bit to allow the ice cream to solidify a bit more.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR PROFITEROLES
- Take a shot of bourbon (or a swig of Chardy or a glug of your favorite potent potable straight from the bottle) and hitch up your apron because it’s time to make profiteroles!
- Now to make a paté choux, a special kind of cooked dough that’s French for “I wonder if I have enough champagne in the wine fridge to get me through this recipe.” In a medium pan, warm the milk, butter, sugar and sea salt until it is very hot but not boiling.
- Aggressively stir the flour into the milk mixture like it called you a skank skeezer and you want to show it who’s boss. Continue to stir until the flour throws in the towel and the dough begins to pull away from the sides of the pot, about a minute.
- Plunk your dough into your standing mixer fitted with the dough blade and let hang out until it cools down a bit. You’re grounding that dough for being dirty and you don’t want to work with it until it changes its fucking tune and is warm to the touch.
- Turn the mixer to medium. Crack one egg into the bowl and let mix until entirely incorporated into the dough. Continue with the remaining eggs until all are incorporated and the dough is smooth and shiny. Alternatively, if you don’t have a stand mixer, you can stir the eggs into the mixture by hand, using a wooden spoon to blend the dough into submission.
- Turn dough out into a gallon ziploc bag and chill for a few hours. Drink the entire time that the dough is cooling off. The entire time.
- Preheat the oven to 400°.
- Line a cookie sheet with a silpat or parchment paper. Break out the bag and snip one of the tips to form a 1/2 in. hole. Squeeze out 1 inch mounds of dough, trying to get the balls as high as possible (If you are sophomoric, they’ll kinda look like tits. Fact.) With wet fingers, smooth the tops of the dough.
- Pop in the oven and bake for 25 minutes or until they are gorgeously golden and dry all over. Take them out, pierce with a knife to let them dry in the centers and return to the oven. Turn oven off and let cream puffs hang out for another 10 minutes.
- Remove from the oven and cool on a rack until hollow when tapped.
- Using a serrated knife, cut off the tops and fill with a scoop of ice creamy loveliness. Top with chocolate sauce, caramel and fleur de sel, dulce de leche or a sprinkle of crack. Your choice.
Buy the most lux vanilla bean ice cream or gelato you can afford. I’m talking second mortgage on the house kind of expense, and use to fill the cream puffs instead of making your own ice cream. If you want to cash in your 401K, splurge on some dulce de leche, ooey gooey chocolate sauce (the darker the better) and go to fucking town. And if you are serving guests and want to pretend that you went all out in the kitchen, break out the KitchenAid mixer that’s been gathering dust since your wedding (for shame!) and whip some fresh cream. As they ply their greedy faces with the syrupy goodness, they’ll be none the wiser to your killer shortcuttery. Wait, is that even a word? It should be.