It’s Not My Fault
I am morally opposed to blaming it on someone else. I mean, if you’re gonna be dirty, you gotta own it.
I concur. Especially when it involves a culinary 911 situation. If somebody fucks up the Chateaubriand beyond recognition, there’s no pointing to the dog as if they were the one to blame. Suck it up and claim that mess as your illegitimate child.
Not that I’ve ever blamed any disastrous dinners on you, dear Cass. But if I did, you could just think of it as a learning experience the easy way – its me, doing the hard part for you. Who loves you baby?
You win. You always do.
I also fucking love that this day falls on Friday the 13th. Is it good luck or bad luck that our first month out of the gate this year we get a Friday the 13th? It’s hard to decide what to do on Friday the 13th – risk burning your own house down with cooking or risk food poisoning by eating out. I think I’m going with cooking on my own. But a girl needs to be prepared with rescue remedies just in case a fantastic dish goes bad.
Well, this recipe is a perfect one for the rolodex. It leverages the pressure cooker to get dinner to the table in a matter of minutes, and the presentation is so clean and flawless that folks will be none the wiser when it comes to any earlier screwups. Just you basking in endless praise and the remnants of the Beef Wellington that you set on fire, smoldering in the trashcan outside. You’re welcome.
Pressure Cooker Bolognese
2 tbs. of butter
2 tbs. of olive oil
3 oz. of pancetta
3 lbs. of ground beef (or blend of beef, pork and veal)
1 onion, minced
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 carrot, finely chopped
2 stalks of celery, finely chopped
1 c. of milk
1 c. of dry white wine
2 cans of whole San Marzano crushed tomatoes
1/8 tsp. of ground nutmeg
2 fresh bay leaves
2 tsp. of salt
1/2 tsp. of black pepper
1 lb. of pasta of your choosing (tortellini is hearty, or try pappardelle, as it is sexy as hell)
freshly grated parmesan
- In a pressure cooker, melt the butter with the olive oil. Anything that starts with butter is off to an excellent start, wouldn’t you agree? And now we’re gonna make it even better by adding salty goodness. Add the pancetta and sauté until it starts to crisp up.
- Add the ground beef and cook until barely pink, you know, flushed.
- Mix in the onions, celery, carrots and garlic and cook until fragrant.
- Add the milk, wine, tomatoes, nutmeg, bay leaves, salt, pepper and parmesan rind and stir.
- Lock the lid on the pressure cooker and bring to high pressure – that won’t be hard for you, will it hot stuff?!
- Cook for 20-25 minutes on high, and then let the pressure subside naturally. Keep the sauce warm while you make the pasta.
- Bring a large pot of heavily salted water to a boil. Don’t get cheap on the salt, if you can’t float in it, put more salt in. Cook pasta according to package directions, making sure to scoop out a cup of the cooking liquid before draining pasta.
- Dump the drained pasta into a large skillet and turn heat to medium. Add a few ladelfuls of bolognese to the pan and toss pasta to coat. Dribble in the cooking liquid to thin the sauce a bit – the pasta should look glossy and coated with sauce and the water will help to coax the thick bolognese into compliance.
- Dole out portions of the pasta, top with parsley and grated cheese and eat as if not a fucking thing was ruined the entire night. No one has to know.