Ageists, step to the side - who says that an old banana can't be the sweetest thing you've ever put in your mouth? With a luxe combination of bananas, butter, brown sugar and booze, this recipe proves the naysayers wrong. Dead wrong.
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
You passed Dirty Girl 101. Got your DGK GED and you are ready for more. Well, let’s get you out of missionary and on to something a little more challenging. Maybe your back to the wall for a good old “I Can See My House From Here”…but I digress. These toys below are non-essential in the Dirty Girls Kitchen, but will help you become more masterful in your attack on the ingredients in front of you. They’ll leave you feeling headier than a dominatrix with a lifetime supply of bondage tape.
Tools for More Advanced Dirty Girls
Once your kitchen is stocked with the basics, consider stepping up your game with any of the following.
Single-handedly the only appliance in the kitchen that gets me all hot and bothered every single time I look at it. Yes, it is loud. But I don’t mind. I just squeal in ecstacy along with it when the valve whistles Sweet Dixie. It makes perfect Boeuf au Daube Provencale in less than an hour. And consomme in 30 minutes. And no-stir risotto in 5. Don’t be scared to apply a little pressure in your kitchen – a girl who can make majesty in mere minutes gets a whole night to be dirty doing other things.
When I get a spare minute, I like to throw on Lovage’s “Music to Make Love to Your Lady By,” curl up on the couch and lap a bit of cream. It’s indulgence of the finest kind, and what allows me to keep my budget intact is that I make a quart of the stuff homemade in about 20 minutes using the freshest ingredients and my ice cream attachment. And by the freshest ingredients, I mean bourbon.
No, I am not advising you pull the covers over your lover and let one rip. Even if it is mighty tempting based on their lackluster performance. In this case, I’m suggesting you invest in a perfect pot (the Le Creuset Doufeu pan makes me grin some kinda nasty, but it is a splurge) for the sexiest braises and stews imaginable. You won’t spend a second worried about winter’s chill with a few bites from the dutch oven, riding on a high better than sex on a bear skin rug.
Sometimes life is fucking relentless and won’t release it’s death grip from your vicious schedule. That shouldn’t keep you from rocking out with your culinary cock out (LOL, rock out with your vag out doesn’t have the same ring, does it?) The crock pot is a babysitter and matchmaker combined, convincing disparate ingredients to get along and then subsequently make mad, passionate love to each other. That’s right – when you eat those slow-simmered meatballs from the crock pot, the goodness that you taste is food sex.
If you’ve got everything else, the following are gravy. Rich, delicious gravy meant to be licked off your fingertips. Whoops, got carried away. Cue the list of most excellent additional tools for your Dirty Kitchen.
- PIZZA STONE – Crusty bottomed loaves of bread and pliant pizza crusts are all born from this bad boy
- PASTA MAKER – Fresh pasta is an expression of love, and when we want to love the shit out of somebody until our back are aching, we break out the rollers and whip up some fresh pappardelle or fettucine. And if the love needs to come sooner rather than later, we like the KitchenAid attachment for motorizing rolling, freeing a hand for the pleasure principle.
- RICE COOKER – Error proof steamy goodness begets fluffy majesty
- CAST IRON SKILLET – Perfect for searing steaks, browning pancakes, roasting whole chickens and beating the shit out of anyone who tries to step on your toes in the kitchen
- GRILL PAN – Apartment dwellers can employ the barbecuing equivalent of stuffing their bra with a killer grill pan
- WOK (AND BAMBOO STEAMER) – Aside from stir frys and steamy dim sum, the wok is fucking incredible for deep frying. Suck on that, Fry Daddy!
But I should ask you now, my dirty birdies, what tools get you all hot and bothered in the kitchen? Let me know below!