When I set out to post a recipe for St. Patrick’s Day, I had the grandest of intentions. I planned on a feast of Classic Corned Beef braised in a jiffy in the pressure cooker, served with a buttery mash of potatoes and cabbage for a side of Colcannon.
And then Eve and I had a fucking drunken brawl. Maybe it was a little too much St. Patrick’s Day pre-gaming or the fact that the hussy can’t get behind corned beef and cabbage. Or the true bottom line that while I always have the decorum of Emily Post, drunk or no, Eve turns into a bawdy sailor after a bottle of whiskey or two. Here’s how it went down:
I’m going to put this out there right now. I cannot, I repeat, cannot fucking keep up with the Irish. I need protein and complex carbs to soak up the tempest of Jameson’s in my stomach and I need it fast.
Oh. I can keep up with the Irish, just not in the kitchen. In almost every other room in the house, I’m a totally equal player. Plus, I can swear the Irish right back into the arms of their mommies.
Well, if you promise to keep this a secret, I can help you tackle the kitchen piece.
Meh. Let them cook. I’ll be happy to rock the other locations in style.
Or you could be a twat. So readers, you guys get the secret recipe and not that malaise-ridden bitch of a best friend, Eve. But promise, just one of you, to make me some because right now I am too fucking drunk to cook for myself.
So while Eve cops a ‘tude, I’ve decided to say fuck it and bail on all of the laborious cooking for something to soothe my seething temper. Like a slurry of guinness, irish cream and vanilla ice cream. And because she’s my bestie and I love her oh-so-much, I’ll even let that twat Eve have a sip. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Guinness Milk Shake
2 pints of Haagen Daas Vanilla Ice Cream
1 1/3 c. of Guinness (or half of a 21 oz. bottle)
2/3 c. of Bailey’s Irish Cream
Slosh the Guinness into a blender and top with the ice cream. Proceed to down the rest of the Guinness, lest you let a single precious drop go to waste. For if you do, leprechauns will pelt you with Lucky Charms until you are black and blue. Or something like that.
Pour in the Baileys and blitz that shit until smooth. Pour into a chilled pint glass and swirl in a little chocolate syrup for good measure. Drink until you believe that leprechauns do exist and will punish you by pelting your body with Lucky Charms if you step off in any way, shape or form.