Dewing It Dirty
Well, I can’t say that I know what a regret is (What does that word even mean? It feels weird in my mouth!) But I do know that after grandly declaring that Buffalo Wild Wings Mountain Dew Wings couldn’t possibly be the worst thing on the internet, and then tasting said wings on our podcast in Episode #5, there was much to clean up. For those that are tuning into this debacle for the first time here, this is the recap:
- 7:00pm – Live tasting of the Buffalo Wild Wings new flavor made with Mountain Dew on our podcast
- 7:01pm – Hit the wine bottle hard to struggle through a few measly bites of the cloying, radioactive wing abominations
- 8:00pm – Look down to see wine gone and wings still there
- 8:05pm – Craft plan to drink MORE wine and nibble on boneless buffalo wings purchased as a safety precaution if Dew wings inedible. Spoiler Alert: They were, indeed, inedible.
- 8:15pm – Podcast recording done. Break an acrylic nail accidentally after sifting through wine fridge for more liquid courage.
- 8:30pm – Deign to eat one more Dew wing in case previous judgment was unfair. Spoiler Alert: Wings still disgusting.
- 8:35pm – Deign to take mind off of wings with copious amounts of sex. More broken acrylic nails.
- 11:35pm – Convince fuck buddy to take a drive through Taco Bell/KFC for a follow up orgy of Crispy Potato Tacos and Popcorn Chicken. Eat right in the car. Best idea ever.
- 12:00am – Home again. More wine to quell the tummy rumblings. Worst idea ever.
- 12:15am – Ginger calms an angry stomach, so brilliant idea to eat some Ginger Joe Joes (oreos dipped in white chocolate topped with candied ginger).
- 12:20am – Fall down internet rabbit hole, and though stomach is turning into a wine-fueled, Mountain Dew maelstrom, feel a little better watching the sexy ass Matt Bomer do the Hotline Bling dance
- 12:45am – Even watching Matt Bomer can’t fend off a loose bootie. Spend the rest of the night in the bathroom, angry at getting done by the Dew wings.
- 9:00am (Who are we kidding? I have yet to ever fucking wake up before noon) – Start crafting a recipe for an asian-inspired wing sauce that a) utilizes the citrus notes of Mountain Dew, b) doesn’t suck ass and c) doesn’t cause your ass to blow up in abject horror.
I present to you Exhibit A – proof that majesty can be made of Mountain Dew in wing sauce form. I leveraged tried and true partners of sticky sweet with garlic, lemongrass and chilies. Because shit was mission critical, I saved myself time chopping by leveraging the Gourmet Garden stir-in pastes for the ginger, garlic and lemongrass – how they keep the flavors strong and tight in those tubes (found in your produce section), I’ll never know. Those bitches saved my life. Fact. Next, I kicked the sweetness in its ass with soy (for umami majesty), oyster sauce (for silken texture) and fish sauce (for fucking salty goodness). And to counteract the chemical tang of the BWW Dew Shits, I brought some freshness with chopped scallions and cilantro. Top with sesame seeds and feast like the king of the mountain that you are. Because no one is going to fucking dew you unless you give consent.
Asian Citrus Chicken Wings
20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew
2 tbs. soy
2 tbs. oyster sauce
2 tbs. minced garlic
2 tbs. sambal (chili paste)
1 tbs. ground ginger
1 tbs. lemongrass, minced (or 1 tsp. lemongrass powder)
1/2 tbs. salt
1 tsp. sesame oil
1 tsp. fish sauce
6 scallions
1 dozen party wing segments (drummettes and wing-a-lings)
cooking oil for frying
sea salt
1/4 c. of chopped cilantro
sesame seeds, for garnish
Let’s start with the sauce – pour the Mountain Dew into a sauce pan and reduce that radioactive drank until it measures about 1 cup. Now, to make magic out of bullshit, whisk in the soy, oyster sauce, garlic, chili paste, ground ginger, lemongrass, salt, sesame oil, fish sauce and scallions. Bring to a boil and remove from heat.
Now, for the wangs! Wash your wings well – the only dirty in these wings is the sauce and not fucking salmonella. Dry them well so they crisp up well and set aside. Heat your oil in a fryer (or a wok, if you wanna do like I do) to 375° with a thermometer. Carefully lower your wings in the oil jacuzzi and fry until crisp and cooked through, about 7 minutes. Drain on paper towels and season with salt while hot. The wings are thirsty for salt when they come outta that jacuzzi.
Lastly, lets dress those wangs, because they are naked as hell. Toss the wings with the sauce and cilantro, coating each one with the seductive sauce. Plate, sprinkle sesame seeds on top for color, and fucking feast. Nom, nom, nom.
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